We all love analogies. In Bio, it makes understanding the mitochondria a lot easier. In real life, it makes understanding our interpersonal relationships a lot easier. We can better place ourselves in unfamiliar territory when we think of our situation in more familiar terms.
Let's take analogy #1. If you're not looking for commitment, you can ascribe your relationship a car dealership analogy. You don't want long-term commitment, but you want more than a test-drive because you might enjoy that car for a while. So, you lease it. You don't commit and buy with 0% APR or down or whatever the fuck for about 3 months and then regret the piece of shit/ostentatious piece of shit vehicle that you are now paying over $800 a month for plus gas.
Let's extrapolate that scenario to relationships--plural. You can commit with one vehicle. You know, you do all the maintenance required--change oil, check brakes, change battery, replace lights, maybe even spruce it up with funky car accessories of which I know very little.
But! You also lease one on the side. A really fucking nice ride, with those crazy side-opening doors and it's a convertible, blah blah blah. Really cool car that you drive when you're out on the town. You only drive the committed car to more familiar, low-key places... like Jewel-Osco. I mean, you love that car, but you'd like something new once in a while.
And let's also say you drive a nice, reliable Honda Civic every month or so. It drives well, it's fuel-efficient, and it's always reliable and dependable. Kinda like a really available and always sure-to-please fuck buddy.
There you have it: relationships of my youth all condensed in car form.
Analogy #2 is mealtime. If my plate is full and I have a big appetite, should I still pile on food? Hell yes until I get full! But what if I'm already stuffed? But man... that ice cream sundae looks fucking delicious. So I get some of that too. Just some. Not all. My take on this? Don't stuff yourself with unnecessary excess calories.
Enjoy everything in small portions. And don't be a pig and doggy-bag everything. Have tiny morsels of the risky dishes (like duck salami or foie gras if you have not yet tried it) and take home the cheesy lasagna that you love.
Analogy #3 is no analogy at all. This is my take. If you like me, tell me. If I like you, I will tell you. If you want me, want me and fight for me. And I will do the same. No nonsense. No leasing, renting, or down payments necessary. No calories and you take home all you want.
Take what's left of this heart
And use, please use only what you really need.
You know I only have so little so please...
-Jack Johnson, "Cocoon"
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Definitions
Who gets to define great things? Like love. Your shrink? Your best friend? Carrie Bradshaw? I mean, in Sex and the City: The Movie, Carrie was stuck. She was writing on her laptop and she wrote this:
"Love."
And then changed it to this:
"Love..."
And then back to this:
"Love."
What is that then? What does that mean? Is it a final thought or just the beginning of free association? Is it its own entity or an item in a slew of adjectives used to describe a certain feeling? Can it speak on its own or do you need to add more (hence Carrie's ellipses)?
When you come across something and you're not quite sure what it is, you don't know what games to play. You don't know what rules to follow. That is, you don't know what you're doing until you've almost certainly screwed it up.
When you realize that you can't pick up the pieces or glue them back together, it might have been you or the other person to walk away from it. So the pieces stay there.
You take a little time to gather yourself. You see what's out there for you. Maybe you figure something out. Maybe you know how to play the "game" better. Or maybe you've made your own rules. Better rules. Maybe you made a better you who doesn't need the game or the rules.
When you have the opportunity to get back what you screwed up, to take it and keep it and make it yours, do you finally understand it? Is it only when you understand it that you can even take it back? How is it possible to not understand something when it has so much power over you that your core is shaken, your beliefs could change, your mind is stimulated, and your heart opened? I guess when you have the opportunity to witness something like that, you don't screw it up in the first place.
The same way it is almost impossible to define love in terms of an infinity of ideas or the final thought or even as its own clause, it is impossible to define the one you love, the feeling you get, and the feeling you miss.
"Love."
And then changed it to this:
"Love..."
And then back to this:
"Love."
What is that then? What does that mean? Is it a final thought or just the beginning of free association? Is it its own entity or an item in a slew of adjectives used to describe a certain feeling? Can it speak on its own or do you need to add more (hence Carrie's ellipses)?
When you come across something and you're not quite sure what it is, you don't know what games to play. You don't know what rules to follow. That is, you don't know what you're doing until you've almost certainly screwed it up.
When you realize that you can't pick up the pieces or glue them back together, it might have been you or the other person to walk away from it. So the pieces stay there.
You take a little time to gather yourself. You see what's out there for you. Maybe you figure something out. Maybe you know how to play the "game" better. Or maybe you've made your own rules. Better rules. Maybe you made a better you who doesn't need the game or the rules.
When you have the opportunity to get back what you screwed up, to take it and keep it and make it yours, do you finally understand it? Is it only when you understand it that you can even take it back? How is it possible to not understand something when it has so much power over you that your core is shaken, your beliefs could change, your mind is stimulated, and your heart opened? I guess when you have the opportunity to witness something like that, you don't screw it up in the first place.
The same way it is almost impossible to define love in terms of an infinity of ideas or the final thought or even as its own clause, it is impossible to define the one you love, the feeling you get, and the feeling you miss.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Thoughts
I'm seriously exhausted. Initially, I was tired of the bullshit that accompanies "playing" around. As alluring as the notion seems, it really is a lot of work maintaining a constant band of available, dependable, and enjoyable fuck buddies or friends with benefits. I just got sick of the overall inconsistency and the cycle of waxing and waning infatuation.
So I thought, "Great, now is my chance to look for change, to learn how to take someone seriously and care about them, and have them do the same for me."
In my efforts to do so I was met with a few obstacles:
I escape from the games of casual dating to find myself in a deeper mess of mind games when feelings are on the line. Yes, I'm overthinking this. But if you can't handle the thought I put into this, then I suppose you're not worth more than even a passing thought.
So I thought, "Great, now is my chance to look for change, to learn how to take someone seriously and care about them, and have them do the same for me."
In my efforts to do so I was met with a few obstacles:
- The guys I looked for when dicking around (no pun intended) were not the same guys I should have been looking for if I so desired this "change."
- My band of potential candidates drastically decreased as I tried to eliminate all but those I could actually take seriously.
- The one I ended up liking is not near the commitment level I am seeking.
- I'm feeling something's off.
I escape from the games of casual dating to find myself in a deeper mess of mind games when feelings are on the line. Yes, I'm overthinking this. But if you can't handle the thought I put into this, then I suppose you're not worth more than even a passing thought.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Forward march
Yeah, it was a pun on the fact that it is the middle of March and I'm sure I must keep moving onward. I don't really like where I'm at, to be honest. I'm happy, I suppose, but I'm also sorely unstable. At this moment, I've heard Duffy's Rockferry play 3 times on end... I should be getting to bed soon but my fingers insist on typing this out.
After the past week of deluded infatuation I've slowly started realizing why I never liked getting too emotionally involved with people. Your feelings start to play tricks on your logic. What should sometimes be taken as matter-of-fact and face-value starts to be seen as "Oh, that's just something people say."
Yeah, something people say that they mean, right?
When badgered for an answer we do one of two things: scramble and lie, or say the thing closest to the truth. The latter might be sugar-coated or delivered bluntly, but it is said nonetheless.
I, on the other hand, sometimes refuse to talk at all. If I find a topic sensitive and uncomfortable, I blush and I am unable to make eye contact (and it's not because my eyes are small and I can't find you in my field of vision). I refuse to maintain conversation because I'm afraid of what I might say. Because when it comes down to it--who really fucking knows what they want in exact proportions at any given moment of time? I don't. Furthermore, how is what you want influenced by the timing of someone asking you such an important question? What if they NEEDED an answer right then and there and you had only seconds to say something?
I have a vague idea of what I want when it comes to relationships, when it comes to my career, but I'm also very vague about my desire for shoes or my desire for breast augmentation. Those are separate blog posts for different days (and different moods).
Scratch that... when it comes to my career, I know what I want, only the path is vague. Lo siento. Moving on.
I started to believe that maybe when he said "I don't commit," it might have been just something he says to put up a front. As the days go by and reality starts to set in I think I'm starting to realize that maybe he means it. What caught me off guard in moments of tooth-decaying sweetness I hadn't witnessed from anybody in a while had shaken bits of my loosely held logical thought processes. We say what we mean. Only in pre-divorce fits of rage and during PMS do we not really mean what we say. For the most part, our innermost and truthful thoughts pour out when we are asked to provide answers or any kind of input.
For someone to twist those answers into other interpretations is not only illogical but unwise. This is why it's also unwise to not wear rose-tinted glasses when approaching possible relationship candidates. You can't think straight and instead you decide to bask in the glow of someone caring about you instead of seeing things as they are. No, I chose to see things the way they should be.
"Serious" by Duffy
Yeah... story of my fucking life. It's either one walks out or I walk out on one because I think I'm walking into something better. No, all the doors are pretty much the same. Just a different frame.
We'll see if this one changes any of my theories or just emphasizes all of them. Left, right, left...
After the past week of deluded infatuation I've slowly started realizing why I never liked getting too emotionally involved with people. Your feelings start to play tricks on your logic. What should sometimes be taken as matter-of-fact and face-value starts to be seen as "Oh, that's just something people say."
Yeah, something people say that they mean, right?
When badgered for an answer we do one of two things: scramble and lie, or say the thing closest to the truth. The latter might be sugar-coated or delivered bluntly, but it is said nonetheless.
I, on the other hand, sometimes refuse to talk at all. If I find a topic sensitive and uncomfortable, I blush and I am unable to make eye contact (and it's not because my eyes are small and I can't find you in my field of vision). I refuse to maintain conversation because I'm afraid of what I might say. Because when it comes down to it--who really fucking knows what they want in exact proportions at any given moment of time? I don't. Furthermore, how is what you want influenced by the timing of someone asking you such an important question? What if they NEEDED an answer right then and there and you had only seconds to say something?
I have a vague idea of what I want when it comes to relationships, when it comes to my career, but I'm also very vague about my desire for shoes or my desire for breast augmentation. Those are separate blog posts for different days (and different moods).
Scratch that... when it comes to my career, I know what I want, only the path is vague. Lo siento. Moving on.
I started to believe that maybe when he said "I don't commit," it might have been just something he says to put up a front. As the days go by and reality starts to set in I think I'm starting to realize that maybe he means it. What caught me off guard in moments of tooth-decaying sweetness I hadn't witnessed from anybody in a while had shaken bits of my loosely held logical thought processes. We say what we mean. Only in pre-divorce fits of rage and during PMS do we not really mean what we say. For the most part, our innermost and truthful thoughts pour out when we are asked to provide answers or any kind of input.
For someone to twist those answers into other interpretations is not only illogical but unwise. This is why it's also unwise to not wear rose-tinted glasses when approaching possible relationship candidates. You can't think straight and instead you decide to bask in the glow of someone caring about you instead of seeing things as they are. No, I chose to see things the way they should be.
"Serious" by Duffy
Yeah... story of my fucking life. It's either one walks out or I walk out on one because I think I'm walking into something better. No, all the doors are pretty much the same. Just a different frame.
We'll see if this one changes any of my theories or just emphasizes all of them. Left, right, left...
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