Sayf Sechs

I just wanted to express my love for YouTube. This is probably the best thing I've seen all week. That is all.

Repair and maintenance

I don't know what I was missing. It's like when I tell myself, "Kate, no more ice cream bars." What happens? I see Dove Triple Chocolate in the freezer and I grab one. Not because I was hungry or because I had a sweet tooth. It wasn't because the ice cream bar itself was irresistible--come on, it's not a sexy man after all. I reached out for that sinful ice cream bar because it was comfortable and it never ceased to satisfy. That sentence was so sexual but bear with me.

I spend such a tremendous amount of effort keeping myself from things that I deem unnecessary or not good for me. I spend time keeping people out and pushing them away that I forget why I wanted them so close when it all started. It's a similar concept I keep consistent with forcibly denying myself those rich, high-cholesterol comfort foods.

In the concept of socialization, however, it takes a lot of solitude and rounds of British piano rock music to remind me of the little things I loved about the people I told myself I shouldn't talk to anymore. Somewhere along the line from when I met them to when we ceased to remain in contact, I decided it was unhealthy to be involved with them. Who knows what catalyzed that event, but that's not the point of this vent. One Coldplay track after another got me to think about how small the world is at the end of the day.

When loneliness bites, I always try to repair the bridges I burned.

I know something is broken and I try to fix it,
trying to repair it any way I can.
-X&Y, Coldplay



We go back to what's comfortable. At least I do.

I don't care for what I tell myself at one point or what strong, heartfelt reasons I gave myself to persuade me into thinking that someone was not good for me. After time apart I feel this giant need to crawl into their arms for a bear hug and pacification. And guess what? It feels like home. It feels like it's all back to normal. So I do everything I can to repair whatever I broke and maintain this state of homeliness. I love staying in that mentality forever but upon reconciliation I subconsciously know that the cycle will repeat itself and I'll revert to staying health conscious.

But because this world is oh, so small, nature finds a way of taking me back to what feels viscerally good. Just like Harlow's experiment with monkeys, in times of need we will always naturally flock to what feels comfortable, nurturing, even if it serves nothing for our health.

Here's to you, Triple Chocolate Dove Bar.

I wanna love you but I don't know if I can.

I'm keeping my NZ passport

I kinda miss this skyline. Before my neighbor decided to renovate his house and extend his deck, we were able to see the Sky Tower if my brother and I stood on the benches on our deck. Nostalgia over.

In other news:

Online approval requirement for entry into US starts today

4:00AM Monday Jan 12, 2009
By Lincoln Tan

From today, New Zealanders travelling to, or through, the United States will have to apply online for approval before they can enter the country.

The Electronic System for Travel Authorisation (ESTA), which has been applicable since August last year, becomes compulsory for New Zealand, Australia and some European and Asian countries today.

New Zealanders are currently exempt from visa requirements to enter the US for short visits, including transit, under the Visa Waiver Programme.

However, instead of filling out paper waiver cards on the plane, travellers must apply online at https://esta.cbp.dhs.gov (the US Embassy website also provides a link to this address) for approval.

American authorities says travellers should apply at least 72 hours before departure. The details they will be asked to disclose will be the same as that asked on the US immigration declaration cards which are handed out on the plane, including passport number, country of residence, disclosure of communicable diseases and any involvement in terror activities.

Once a traveller is approved, the information will remain valid for two years and he or she will be allowed to make multiple trips during the period.

The application is free, but the US Government said it reserved the right to charge a fee in future. The US Department of Homeland Security said the new system was part of its security measures after the September 11, 2001, terror attacks.

But it has come under strong criticism in New Zealand since the rule was announced without warning last year.

Green Party human rights spokesman Keith Locke called it "anti-terrorist paranoia" and Travel Agents Association president Peter Barlow said it was "another compelling reason not to go via the States".

NZHerald.co.nz

For realz?! Yet another problem I have with the US Immigration system. Still no reason why you would need to inform the States that you're coming over. But I guess it's like when I call my friend to tell her I'm going to come over to her place. I don't have to bring anything with me... I just gotta alert her?

Fixed patterns

It gets a tad personal here, I guess. I want to go back home. I am homesick and irritable. I went through old photographs, old memories, and I so badly need to return. I had this hobby of bike riding every single day when I was younger.

I want to ride my bike down the old driveway and up the hill on the front yard and all around the left side of the house, past the trellis, past the backyard, and onto the driveway again. I want to do that again and again like I did when I was 8 years old. It was such a big feat then and I don't know why I grew out of it.

Britney Spears came along, I suppose. Wait, no. Spice Girls came first. Bikes were not nearly as cool after that musical revolution. I even had the Union Jack on my wall. It's still there, I believe.

I hope.

Make-believe doesn't do me much good. Unless I'm self-servicing or playing dress-up. Yes, I still play dress-up. I've got to figure out how to coordinate the new shoes I buy after all. What better way to do that than to concoct some hypothetical situation where I would need those shoes, eh?

It's 12:35am on Thursday, January 8, 2009. Eight days into the new year and I'm already regressing. It's a wonderful start. The more I reverse and remember all the little things (and I mean little things, like the colors of the pegs we'd use when we hung up the laundry on the deck or the fact that my dad finally succeeded at growing some really nice clematis flowers on the trellis), the more I want to move forward so I could go back. See, I know how to drive in circles mentally. Now, when I finally get my license, I could probably do that in the physical world quite literally.

But I do that anyway without a car.

I'm always going back and then moving on (or so I think) but only to go back to a different version of what I began with. That's a terrible way to end a sentence, so I apologize.
It's like my boyfriends. "Oy vey," I heard you say?
It's true! I don't know how to stop it. I'm serious.
Maybe it's genetic predisposition or environmental reinforcement that causes me to pick the same people over and over so that I'm inevitably stuck in the same pattern of emotion, or at the very least, action.
They're all different versions of the same guy: the ego-stroking, smooth-talking dreamer who's good between sheets. Sometimes he's smart, too. One time he played the guitar and another time he played Halo III. Other times he's not even a smooth talker. Shit.
It takes me about a month to realize I'm bored. I think for a moment. I don't understand why.
UMM: NOW I DO. They're the same fucking person.

It's like riding that damn bike around the house again and again. It's so exciting until you think you're too old for it, or you just tire of it because there's no challenge anymore. I mean, really, is there anything new I'm going to see on the other side of the house? Is there really anything new I haven't seen yet?

Sorry, but I'm bored. What's keeping me occupied is page 153 of the Handbook of Cognitive Neuroscience. This is not the first time bound worded pages has filled a void that some other "hobby" once took up. End rant: I am still homesick and I have done nil to break this pattern.