Stress test

I'm tired. Literally. I'm exhausted and even 9 hours of sleep didn't get me my catch-up rest for the week. Ever since the start of the academic year my weeks have been rushing by and the day runs out fast. In a way it's fascinating, but more often it's tiring.

What makes it even more tiring is the fact that all aspects of my life have become relatively fast-paced. This is what I signed up for, but I think that I'm missing out on a number of things.

For instance, I treat a lot of things as though they were tiny agendas on my daily planner--friends and appointments collectively. That was probably not very smart. It should have been a red flag when I realized I was penciling in time with my friends the way I would a waxing appointment or a lab meeting. But no, I was a little too excited to use my pink planner... which later evolved into two more planners (a big one in front of my computer and Google Calendar, not to mention the other miscellaneous appointments I log onto my cell phone).

The speed of things keeps me from settling down and taking a lot of things seriously. This would unfortunately include people. I convinced myself that I was too busy to take anybody seriously and I was too busy to "deal" with feelings. Keeping the boys like toys kept me out of trouble. For a little while, at least...

I was about 95% convinced that getting serious would just "ruin everything." The 5% came along the other day.

Though not a toy, this boy is definitely a lot of fun. It's not even fun like that, by the way. By closing off the seriousness and the emotions associated with my interpersonal relationships, I closed off a lot of opportunities for personal growth and maybe even finding someone who makes me happy. The rest of my life is fleeting and busy and almost chaotic--it would be nice to have something stable, something that's constant in my planner.

I don't have to settle for the nuisance or the asshole to get a fix or to get a dose of entertainment. I could take them seriously if I wanted to, just not if they displayed any of the aforementioned traits. Because really, an asshole or nuisance of a fuck buddy, even, would get old after a while. The guy loses his appeal and you lose your appetite.

This girl would like to get serious. She means business.

I don't need Prince Charming or Mr. Right. But I don't want Mr. Right Now or a Mr. Later Tonight. I'd like to call him by his name for a change.