omgstfu

I just want to say something. If you think it's inappropriate for me to blab about the new "toy" I want to get or about my weekend exploits (characters nameless, of course)--then don't drag on and on with the minutia of your boring and stagnant cat and mouse game you call your romantic relationship. If you're allowed to make me uncomfortable with all your mushy talk and frivolous details (from the cologne he was wearing to how he said "Hello") then I'm allowed to make you uncomfortable by explaining to you exactly how the Sybian works.

I am sick of prudish girls who can't listen to vulgar talk but would rather talk my ear off about the same scenario again and again: "Do you think he'll call? I mean... he texted me last night and told me he was tired. Then he said he was really busy. But he called me, 'Babe,' so that means something right?"

NO.

First, he calls you "Babe" so he doesn't have to keep track of names. Trust me, it's embarrassing to yell out the wrong name at the right time. Referencing all the women in his life to a little pet name like "Babe" makes the job much easier. An added bonus is that you think he's being affectionate. In my world, affection comes in two forms: really good voluntary oral or post-coital cuddling (both very nice but more like crème brûlée: it's sweet but you could just as easily have coffee after your meal). Yeah... check that link I added in there. I cannot wait to eat that soon...

Second, his busy schedule is an excuse. If you like someone, you talk to them. About any old thing. Usually... I suppose I'm an exception to this rule (but maybe this is just me being very conceited). I don't like talking to people if I don't have anything to say. Ask any of my friends. I'm not one to call and ask "What's up?" Really. I find that shit annoying. Don't fucking waste my time to tell me you're just "chilling." If you have something to say, call. If you have something to ask, call. If you want to see me, call. If you just wanted to say "not much, at home chillin, wts up wt u?" Just don't dial.
Expanding on that, I don't really call people just because. If I have specific things to ask or say, then there will be a call to your phone. Otherwise I am not going to waste your time and minutes just to hear your voice. Fuck that. A sexy voice isn't going to get me off over the phone--the whole voice thing only works when he's behind me spooning.
BUT! To bring myself to my point: if he wanted to see you or talk to you (get to know you, in this case) he would call, or at the very least bombard your inbox with a million cute, Ipecac-mimicking text messages.

Furthermore: if he texted you saying he was tired, take the hint. He is not that tired (tired enough to text you and let you know before you could probe him with more mundane questions about his day? Really? Get fucking real). He does not want to talk to you.

So. Now that we've sorted out your hopeless situation, let me talk about the crap that you think about but are too concerned to verbalize because others might just judge you. It's sex, it's masturbation, it's all these awful taboo things of which we all are knowledgeable. I hate these game-playing tactics, especially when one has to pretend to be coy and secretive when it comes to knowing things about what feels good. If people were as prude about copulating as others are now, I don't know if the human race could have survived. Think of it this way: because I am sharing with you pertinent evolutionary information, you might be helping the human race survive. Do you think people kept the secrets of reproductive success to themselves? No, you motherfucking prude. People go out and fuck. And then eat. Not necessarily in that order. And if you're skilled, you do both simultaneously (not a dirty joke).

It's life: live with it and stop telling me I'm crazy. STFU and listen.