Forward march

Yeah, it was a pun on the fact that it is the middle of March and I'm sure I must keep moving onward. I don't really like where I'm at, to be honest. I'm happy, I suppose, but I'm also sorely unstable. At this moment, I've heard Duffy's Rockferry play 3 times on end... I should be getting to bed soon but my fingers insist on typing this out.

After the past week of deluded infatuation I've slowly started realizing why I never liked getting too emotionally involved with people. Your feelings start to play tricks on your logic. What should sometimes be taken as matter-of-fact and face-value starts to be seen as "Oh, that's just something people say."

Yeah, something people say that they mean, right?

When badgered for an answer we do one of two things: scramble and lie, or say the thing closest to the truth. The latter might be sugar-coated or delivered bluntly, but it is said nonetheless.

I, on the other hand, sometimes refuse to talk at all. If I find a topic sensitive and uncomfortable, I blush and I am unable to make eye contact (and it's not because my eyes are small and I can't find you in my field of vision). I refuse to maintain conversation because I'm afraid of what I might say. Because when it comes down to it--who really fucking knows what they want in exact proportions at any given moment of time? I don't. Furthermore, how is what you want influenced by the timing of someone asking you such an important question? What if they NEEDED an answer right then and there and you had only seconds to say something?

I have a vague idea of what I want when it comes to relationships, when it comes to my career, but I'm also very vague about my desire for shoes or my desire for breast augmentation. Those are separate blog posts for different days (and different moods).

Scratch that... when it comes to my career, I know what I want, only the path is vague. Lo siento. Moving on.

I started to believe that maybe when he said "I don't commit," it might have been just something he says to put up a front. As the days go by and reality starts to set in I think I'm starting to realize that maybe he means it. What caught me off guard in moments of tooth-decaying sweetness I hadn't witnessed from anybody in a while had shaken bits of my loosely held logical thought processes. We say what we mean. Only in pre-divorce fits of rage and during PMS do we not really mean what we say. For the most part, our innermost and truthful thoughts pour out when we are asked to provide answers or any kind of input.

For someone to twist those answers into other interpretations is not only illogical but unwise. This is why it's also unwise to not wear rose-tinted glasses when approaching possible relationship candidates. You can't think straight and instead you decide to bask in the glow of someone caring about you instead of seeing things as they are. No, I chose to see things the way they should be.

"Serious" by Duffy




Yeah... story of my fucking life. It's either one walks out or I walk out on one because I think I'm walking into something better. No, all the doors are pretty much the same. Just a different frame.

We'll see if this one changes any of my theories or just emphasizes all of them. Left, right, left...